My ExBoyfriend. You know, the crazy one.

Everyone has a crazy ex. You know the type. It was great when you first started dating. He seemed dangerous. Fun. He paid a lot of attention to you from the beginning. Would call you when he knew you were getting out of work to tell you he can't wait to see you. Wants to have lunch with you twice a week. Surprises you on Sunday morning with fresh flowers and bagels.

The first few months are perfect. Like a prolonged honeymoon phase. Then three or four months in you are out a few hours later than you thought with the girls and you get home to 3 messages on your machine. The first one is sweet, "Call me when you get home, love you." The second one is concerned, "Hey, I am getting kind of worried about you, call me when you get home. Love you." And the third one is borderline rude, "Listen, I have been calling you for hours, where are you?!"

Pretty soon all the messages are insane. He is always mad at you over ridiculous things. "Too much cleavage shows in that shirt, please change." or "You look frumpy in that outfit, I don't want the guys to think my girl shops at the thrift barn." And my favorite "You have too many guy friends and I don't want you hanging out with any of them without me." That in turn leads to you hanging out with them anyway, and then he goes insane! "Do you do these things on purpose?!?! Do you look for ways to make me mad?!?!"

He apologizes every time, and you forgive him. Because you still love him and maybe the bedroom is where you guys click the best. Until he starts calling all the time. He can't live a minute of his day without you. He sends you texts non stop. "Hey, where are you?" "What are you doing?" "Who are you with?" He just forgets all sense of boundaries and decides to poke and pry.

You come home one night after work to find he went through your drawers. Hacked your phone bill online to see who you talk to. Searched your computer for pictures or "documents." And then he hacks your facebook to check your inbox. Finally you're done playing his games, and you pack your shit and hit the road.

Tomorrow he calls. He's sorry. He made a huge mistake. He knows now he can trust you. He starts showing up at your Mom's with flowers for you. Get's her unlisted number and calls you there nonstop. Shows up at your work to beg you to talk to him. Finally your Dad, Boss and best male friends all team up to tell this guy if he doesn't back off they will take him out. And it works. For a little while.

Then randomly a year later he starts emailing you. He calls everyone he knows to get your new number. He wants to be your friend. And he's changed. What he doesn't tell you is he has a new girlfriend about 3 times as crazy as him. And she hacks his bill and sees he has been talking to you, a lot. So she calls you and that turns into a shit show. You end up sending her all the emails he sent you and telling her all the things he has said to you on IM, text or the phone. You warn her he is insane, but what does she care, she's nuttier than Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted.

Then the guy goes and calls all of the mutual friends you had while you were together and complains that you reject him constantly and all he wants is to be friends. Then of course you have to listen to your friends all tell you what he said. You wake up the next day praying it's going to end. You told his girl, maybe she dumps him, maybe she pokes a hole in a condom to keep him? But who cares. You got it all out.

Listen, the truth is this crazy mo-fo will never be out of your life. Not ever. You can try all you want and he will always come back and haunt you. And the worst part is now the new girl has your number, probably on speed dial, right behind her voicemail, the crazy guy, and her bookie.

[Just so you guys know, every word of this is fact. I actually moved 1000 miles away from the crazy ex and the phone calls and emails and drama galore all went down in the last 3 days. If you have any legal way to get these wackos out of my life, feel free to tell me.]