Who's the crazy girl in the corner? Oh, that's right, my cousin!

So I have this cousin, who was my best friend, and the things that this girl has done in the last 4 months are screen play worthy.

Here's some background information you should know. I come from a huge Italian family. I lived in Connecticut until I was 8 with my Mom and that's also where my Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles and all my Cousins live. I was super close to my Cousins when I was younger, but then when I moved at 8 I very rarely saw them. Then when I was living in Scranton, Pa when I was 22/23 (aka until a few months ago) I would go visit every few weeks.

Well, my Cousin D and I started to get really close again in May and June. I went to my Cousin S's baby shower, and D and I started talking a lot again. On the phone, on Facebook. Texting and IMing. And then I started going to visit as much as I could. She was my best friend. She was going through this awful divorce and she needed someone. And of course no one in her family was being supportive about it.

I went to visit D for the week leading up to the fourth of July. Now, even though she was going through a divorce, she was still living in the same house as her husband J. And they have a 2 year old son which just made things more complicated. Well, when I got to Connecticut, I pulled up to the house, rang the door bell, and no answer. I guess D was still out running errands. When she got home 45 minutes later I was sitting on the stoop reading. We go into the house, and guess what? Her husband was home. He just ignored the fact that I knocked and rang the bell. That should have been a sign of how the week was going to go.

Later that night when we were getting ready to cook dinner, she asked J if he was eating with us, and he just stared at her. He then came out of his room and sat at the table and started screaming at D. THEN he goes back in his room, starts crying, and threatens to hurt himself. It's a little insane, words are thrown out there. Threats are said. Next thing I know the police and an ambulance are at the house and J is being removed forcibly from the premises. As this all happens, D is explaining that this is exactly what happened the last time J was committed!

Now J is gone, things are calm, and I am outside having a much needed cigarette. Well what pulls into the driveway but a red corvette. Who the eff is this? Well, what do you know, it's her boyfriend! M. Wow, what is happening? Well, M get's out of the car, and he kind of looks like Dr. Cockroach PhD from Monsters vs. Aliens. Little did I know what kind of a night I am in for.

We all are sitting around getting to talking, and I start to learn what kind of a person my cousin really is. The person she has been hiding from me. Turns out D and M are swingers. Well, I don't know if swingers is the right word. More like M let's his friends sleep with D. Yum. Also I find out that D told M if he played his cards right he would be able to sleep with me! Wow, thanks. Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little.

It just goes down hill from there until I go home on July 3rd. Then we talk about me coming to visit for my birthday July 23rd. Well, I call on my birthday and leave her a message saying a friend was coming to visit so we should plan for her to pick me up the next day. Well, she doesn't check her voicemail, she get's in the car and calls me when she is like an hour from my house. Great, now I get to cancel the plans I had because she jumped the gun. And when we end up getting back to her house, M is there. Awesome. Just who I wanted to see.

The next day she has a massive fight with M, so I go see my cousin S. who finally had the baby, and she goes to talk to her friend. Later that night we end up going out with some of her (and I guess M's as well) friends to celebrate my birthday. And she introduces me to this guy, C. He's pretty awesome, we definitely hit if off. And C brought along his friend V because he knew D really needed to get someone good in her life. (I mean, they may be M's friends, but no one really likes him... See Dane Cook's "The Friend No One Likes" for exactly what I mean!)

I look at the door of the bar around 1 am and yay M is here. The night turns awful. It's my birthday celebration, and I am really hitting it off with C, but now he has to occupy M so no one gets in a domestic. Well, M ends up leaving at like 230, and D and I decide we are going home with C and V. Well, you can imagine what happens next so onto the morning.

About 6 am D comes into C's room, no knocking, and wakes us up because she can't find her keys. She tells me that her son had an asthma attack and she has to go but will come back for me. No big. I could sleep for days. So at noon when we all make our way to the living room, D finally shows up. We say our goodbyes, and hit the road. Then the truth spill out.

At about 4am M called D and she told him her Dad was really sick, so she dropped me with C and went to the hospital. THEN when she told us all that he son had an asthma attack that was a lie too. She left to go see M and make sure things were ok. Now we were heading home to get showered and go to a party at her friend K's house. And M was going to a wedding so she was inviting C and V. Well, we get to the party, and she tells K about her awesome rendezvous with V and then when I am outside having another much needed smoke I hear her telling K that she thinks it would be if she knew any guys that she could set me up with. Birthday sex she said. So, now clearly she thinks I am a massive skank that would sleep with 2 guys in 24 hours in the same circle of friends. Awesome, thanks.

Well C and V never come to the party because M shows up drunk and makes a huge scene. Then D and M leave together and leave me with D's car and tell me to meet them at M's house in the morning. Well, way to leave me in a house with people I don't even know. Luckily I really hit it off with K and we stay up until 8 am drinking and complaining about the D and M situation.

So I meet D and M in the morning (it's Monday now) and I am stoked M has to go to work so I can finally talk to D. Well. No luck. M takes the day off. Yay. And the three of us plus D's son end up back at K's and me and K's boyfriend just sit in the living room drinking listening to the drama. Finally we leave and D and M decide to bring me home, thank God. But I never got a chance to talk to D about the bull. Oh well.

Now here is a list of some things that are socially unacceptable!

• Telling M he may be able to sleep with me, if he plays his cards right.
• Eventually telling your friends I slept with M knowing they would tell me what you said!
• Telling me you slept with C one night when M was out of town after I told you how awesome of a night I had with C. (I confronted C about it, it was a complete lie. D couldn't keep her story straight long enough to convince anyone.)
• Letting 2 of M's friends sleep with you while M watched and then M finished the line. (When you say you have had a foursome, it's a lie. That's not a foursome, it's a TRAIN!)
• Lying about your Dad having a heart attack so you can sleep with a guy who's last name you don't know.
• Telling said guy the your son had an asthma attack so you can go have makeup sex with M.
• Telling K one day that you did sleep with V and then a week later retracting it.
• Continuing your bs story of me sleeping with M even when I publicly confronted you.
• Leaving your cousin in a house full of people she has only known for a few hours.
• Ditching your friends for a guy you cheated on a few hours before.
• Letting M answer the door naked when I shop up to meet you.
• Asking me to pour honey mustard on a naked M.
• Telling your Mother that the only reason M is with you when you pick up your son is because he was visiting me.
• Doing any kind of sexual acts with M while I am within hearing/seeing distance. IE no hand jobs in the car!
• Having a quickie in my driveway after dropping me off and before heading back to Ct.
• Only calling me when you want me to look something up for you or when you need to bitch about your family. I understand I have a positive attitude but you are going to ruin that if you don't shut up about your drama.
• And can I just say that cheating on your boyfriend is wrong. And when you try to justify it by saying that it's ok because he went to Vegas and had sex with a stripper, maybe it's time you evaluate what the fuck you are doing with your life. Why are you with this guy if neither one of you wants to stay faithful?!
  

And so many others. Now, same as my Crazy ExBoyfriend story, I really wish I was making this up. It has to be hard to believe there is someone stupid enough to do any or all of these things. But alas, the dumb bitch is my cousin. Yay me!